In an age of instant connectivity, an extra-marital affair has become as easy as clicking 1-2-3. Cheating on digital platforms is not just taking a toll on relationships, but also on the mental wellbeing of participants.

On her way to work on a Monday morning, Kiara was surprised to see a private ping from her old flame Siddharth. They had casually dated in college. Since her husband was mostly travelling, she was more than happy to speak to someone who was emotionally available. After a week of non-stop chatting, exchanging emails and reminiscing, Kiara realised she had unknowingly re-established the emotional bond that once existed.

Upon his return, her husband noticed the obvious change in her behaviour and lifestyle.Her world came crashing down when he read her private chats. Kiara admitted she was attracted to Siddharth and insisted that she had these conversations only out of emotional anguish.Although she had never crossed her marital boundaries, Kiara's five-year-old marriage did come to a tragic end. Sounds scary

Speaking about online affairs, Mumbai-based psychologist Shruti Save says, It doesn't take long for a sense of intimacy to develop online, especially if you've known the person in the past. You reconnect with him or her as friends, but as time progresses, you begin to romanticise this new-found relationship. Just because it is restricted to the phone screen doesn't make it any less dangerous.

Old wine in new bottle
As Caitlin Dewey has rightly written, Emotional infidelity, a sort of destructive, unconsummated affair, went down in bars and over cubicle walls long before we had Gchat records of it. To some extent, the internet has only made these things more visible, better-documented. There are finally texts and emails to back up our suspicions.

A lot of people, however, assume that the guilt and effort involved in an online affair is much lesser than a traditional affair one doesn't have to be bothered about being spotted together in public or contracting sexually transmitted diseases.Just tap a message to the right person and you have an illicit affair going in mere moments, without your partner's knowledge. But what these people don't know is that these affairs are often the stepping stones to a more traditional affair.

Decoding the cause
According to Dr Shefali Batra, Psychiatrist, Digital Relationship Consultant and Founder, Mindframes, Mumbai, the primary causes of an e-affair are similar to a real life affair. However, the digital world has opened up a number of avenues for people to reach out to a multitude of those who are `available'. Relationships today do not have the everlasting glue that once held a couple together. Convenience, rather than commitment, is becoming a priority. It's the conjoint causality of availability of alternate avenues to meet people and the lack of traditional values that is making these virtual affairs accessible, easy, experimental and rather uncomplicated, she says. Dr Keerti Sachdeva, counselling psychologist at Positive Vibrations, Mumbai, blames it on the lack of communication between spouses, their eccentric states of mind and the loneliness arising out of hectic professional lives. Recently, a couple on the brink of divorce visited me. The reason was that the 20-something wife had gotten hooked to making new friends on the phone and was losing interest in her marriage. While she admitted that she made friends and had met them for coffees, lunches and dinners, she asserted that she didn't want a divorce, says Dr Keerti. She adds that couples these days fail to under stand their own needs. I see that a lot of spouses these days are in a state of trance and don't really under stand the consequence of their deeds.In spite of all the money, love and success, they still feel empty within. It's important for such people to take time out for themselves and figure out what they want before it is too late, she warns.

Is it really a big deal
Unfortunately, many cheaters don't realise the profound effects of their secretive behaviour on a long-term relationship. More than the affair -whether virtual or in-the-flesh -it's shattering the faith of a trusting spouse that makes things more painful. So if you're chatting on Facebook with your ex and your partner doesn't mind, it's not a problem, but if you're deleting your interactions so he or she doesn't know what you're up to, you might want to reconsider what you're doing.

Healthy digital friendships are not a taboo, but you must know where to draw the line and stay committed to your partner. If not, it's crucial to end your current relationship before treading into another. Instead of finding love and peace within themselves and their relationship, a lot of individuals today tend to take their partners for granted and seek solace and comfort in the novelty of affairs. The availability of digital media for the same only makes it easier. This is really unfair, says Dr Shefali.

What is digital infidelity
Digital infidelity occurs when a person crosses boundaries of a relationship by romantically bonding with someone other than his or her partner on digital platforms or social media. This can be in the form of a suggestive chat or even a picture message.Following the Ashley Madison hack, Caitlin Dewey, Digital Culture Critic, The Washington Post, highlighted that people were using Facebook to stay in touch with `backup' romantic partners who they can fall back on in case their current relationship didn't work out. This also constitutes `remote infidelity', a term given to emotional affairs that often transpire online.

Source: Times of India

BDST: 1735 HRS, NOV- 17, 2015
Edited by:  Sharmina Islam, Lifestyle Editor